It’s a tried-and-true public relations ploy: release your bad news on a Friday, when people are too busy thinking about the weekend to watch you hauling your garbage out to the dumpster. If your timing’s right, the shelf life on your story will reach its expiration date before publishers put out their Monday papers.
Once again, I’ve rescued a few stories from my news sources’ garbage bins, just in case you missed them. One man’s trash is another man’s treasures, so I’m affixing as-is warranty stickers … you decide what they’re worth.
Tara Conner, the reigning Miss USA, is apparently on Santa’s Naughty List, but after a thorough review of Miss USA’s much-publicized misconduct, pageant co-owner Donald Trump decided she’s not fired.
Last week, Britney Spears misplaced her underwear, and now, she’s apparently ditched her new BFF, Paris Hilton. Page Six reports that “Britney has been told by her people that if she ever wants a comeback, she has to stay far away from Paris and start acting like an adult.”
Guests at the Beverly Hilton this Thursday bore witness to a great deal of fanfare, tearing open of envelopes, and gnashing of teeth. Golden Globe officials chose this tony location to announce their nominees for their 64th annual awards. For best motion picture comedy or musical, the nominations went to “Borat,” “The Devil Wears Prada,” “Dreamgirls,” “Little Miss Sunshine” and “Thank You for Smoking.” BORAT? YA author John Green says “Borat” makes him believe in America again, but others say the movie bears witness to the final decline of civilization.
Fox Network executives are watching with worry the plummeting ratings of its once-popular show,“The O.C.” The Los Angeles Times offers this early obituary for the series: “Like a homecoming queen stripped of her tiara, Orange County is facing a future without a series that served as a weekly hourlong infomercial for Newport Beach and has even persuaded families to cross oceans for a firsthand look.”
Speaking of garbage…Miss Snark’s Crapometer is now officially open. Brave writers are invited to submit a hook of 250 words, then stand back and wait with bated breath to see what the Crapometer spits back out. “Be fully prepared for “this sux”; “wtf” and “try to write in English” and other very very snarky comments,” Miss Snarkwarns. “If you have thin skin, a tender heart, and/or are easily persuaded to put your manuscript in a gas oven, think twice before sending.”
This is Donald Rumsfeld’s last day at the Pentagon. When asked on October 11 whether he took responsibility for what went wrong in Iraq, he snapped back at the questioner, “Of course I bear responsibility. My lord, I’m secretary of defense. Write it down. Quote it. You can bank it.” Unfortunately, we’ve already paid an extremely high price for this war in blood and treasure, and war profiteers are more likely to make bank on this conflict than the Iraqi people we allegedly are trying to help. Heck of a job, Rummy.
Got any “garbage” you’d like to add to the pile?